I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize