I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
