dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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