She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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