Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize