I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
