Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
