i don't like sucking hair
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
