Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
