i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i love accidental penises.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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