We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
