there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
