I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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