Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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