Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Your shirt... Was in my pants
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
