Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
