apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
How naked do you want me to be?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
