im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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