Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
