I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
