i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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