My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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