Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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