you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
