i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
