my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
