Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
