being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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