i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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