well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize