and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
