Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
