hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
