also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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