i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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