I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
