How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
