so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
