If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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