haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
