if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
