Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
