I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
