Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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