Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
