My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
