on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
