Life is so much better after having sex.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Well I just put wine in my tea
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
