you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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