Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
