If i could tip my vagina, i would.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
The best revenge is premature balding
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
