youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize