So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
