im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
