i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
