Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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