So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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