Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Randomize
