Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
