If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
