just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
