how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
