he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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